Get involved, have fun and help amazing people! NIKE TURKEY BOWL 2011 Sponsored by NIKE AUTHENTIC ATHLETIX KCNC CHANNEL 4 102.7 THE TICKET HardNutrition.com Colorado Chiropractic & Rehabilitation The El Jalicienses Mexican Restaurant (1080 South Wadsworth), Qdoba Mexican Grill, Straube Associates, the Pittsburgh Steelers, GATE LACROSSE and Sports, Omni Chiropractic Great Divide Brewing Co., Steiner Sports Memorabilia and SIMPLE SUGAR BAKERY The Morgan Adams Foundation raises money and awareness on behalf of children affected with cancer. Working with leading physicians, we directly fund pediatric cancer research and therapies which will improve survival rates and reduce the devastating side-effects cancer treatments have on our children 2011 Turkey Bowl FIRST BIG ANOUNCEMENT TUNA GOLF ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCES THE NIKE TURKEY BOWL FOR 2011 Commerce City, Co (AP) October 28, 2011 By Dickie Dunn – if Dickie Dunn wrote this then it has to be true!!! Let the Hype begin for the 2011 edition of the Turkey Bowl and it has and will. The official start of the Holiday season begins when the Turkey Bowl Announcement hits Cyberspace. That’s right, the game to end all games, the War of the Roses, the North versus the South, The Bedlam Game, the Us versus them, the Italians versus the rest of the world. You name it the game has it. The epic grudge match that is more commonly known as the 2011 Edition of the Turkey Bowl. And so it shall be.
The game is scheduled for 10 am thanksgiving morning at Infinity park. Glendale. Auxiliary field. The rosters are being assembled so if you want to be considered send your fully clothed tape/DVD to Vic Lombardi director of player development at KCNC or via e mail or just e mail either way. We are always looking for Tunas who play well not taste well or even less important have good taste. We also need donations, sponsors, players, volunteers you name it. It is not only fun it is for a good cause. Please give with your time, your aching muscles, your wallet and your heart. Please also send this letter and sponsor form out to as many friends as possible, TWITTER it and even Facebook as well. Let’s make 2011 the best Turkey Bowl ever and for a great cause!!!! As usual the game’s North squad will be led by Sports Caster of the year, Channel 4’s own Vic Lombardi and his squad of celebrities and hoodlums versus the South Squad let by venerable Super Sports Agent Peter Schaffer and his team of ringers, NFLer’s and friends from all over the Denver and the globe. The game is as exciting for its great plays as for its malaprops. As South Head Coach Lynn Watwood "you do if I sang out of tune” said during his annual press conference announcing the game held appropriately on the Friday prior to Halloween evening at the fabulous and spacious Park Hill Golf Driving Range in front of a throng of other golfers trying to hit golf balls; "I can’t wait for this game this year. The South's goal as it is every year is not just to dominate the North but to send them back to the old country in the spacious airplanes they came over on. We will destroy the North squad man by man, player by player, play by play till the end. That is the goal. We will play to the death!!!!" Watwood who will celebrate his 78th birthday just prior to the game, he was born on 11-22-33 by the way, was in his usual chipper and positive mood about the game and in-his best rendition of the famed Coach from the Johnstown Chief Reggie Dunlap stated "Lets be realistic I am personally placing a hundred-dollar bounty on the head of Vic Lombardi. He's the head coach, Captain and chief punk on that North team! Whoever gets him gets the crisp Ben Franklin bill" When told that it is no longer politically correct or even legal to place such bounties on players head as it was back in the 70’s and 80's, Watwood glared at the media present "Any one who knows me from Bobby Jones to Walter Hagan to Vince Lombardi knows that I am not politically correct but that I love one thing and one thing only winning and that being the only Tuna other than my assistant Coach who was alive during the great depression I will do whatever I want to do and the hundred dollar bounty stands!!! and that is what we will do tomorrow!!!!" Watwood then went on to say the only real un-answered question for us at this time is what throw back jerseys will our players wearing for the game that is really the only reason I show up to see the wide array of assortment of jerseys my team will sport for the great game and then to see how much adult beverages my team can consume while at the same time beating those pasta eating, non-English speaking, over medicated, classless group of individuals known as the North team!!! Of course the North Teams Head Coach, Quarterback, multi time Emmy award winning Sportscaster Vic Lombardi was not to be out done. When asked about the Execution of his team after last year’s debacle, Lombardi was quoted as saying “I am in favor it!!” He then went onto say that “revenge is a drink better served cold and will be the tastiest drink of all when he sips out of the championship cup this year as he predicted a resounding victory for his band of merry man known as the North team. “I plan on spending every waking hour leading up to the game recruiting talented players, thugs, criminals, transvestites, dignitaries, comedians, diplomats, anyone who will help our team avenge the embarrassment of last year. We play to win the game!!” It appears that both squads will be represented by some of Denver’s greatest known athletes of all time, celebrities, Tunas, hacks, wannna bees, haz beens, never waz, who be they and personalities ever collected or assembled on a field at one time. The game is scheduled for Thanksgiving morning at 10 am. The plan is also to raise money once again for the Children’s Tumor Foundation as we did in 2010. The sponsorship form is attached to the e mail as well. Coverage will be blasted all across Denver in the coming month so be ready for it. Tuna legend, Tuna rules director, CU football great and former Green Bay Packer star and Director of College Scouting for the Oakland Raiders Dave McCloughan has stated "to be honest with you there will be more talent in this game than in a UFL game or college game so I might as well show up and scout these boys. We are always looking for "Mike" backers and I just might find one at the Turkey Bowl." McCloughan then looked at his notes and remarked "what number is Matt Russell wearing any way?" Turkey Bowl director of Marketing, Paul Stern is also pleased to announce the generous sponsorship of the game this year by Athletic Giant Nike and the thus the change of the Name of the game from the Tuna Turkey Bowl to the Nike Tuna Turkey Bowl sponsored by Nike and being played this year at the Nike Tuna Dome and also that due to the generous sponsorship by Nike of the Turkey Tuna Bowl that the day of the game has also been changed from Thanksgiving Day to the Nike Thanksgiving day sponsored by Nike. Stern was also quick to note that good seats are still available for the game that will start around 10 am. Tuna director of Mascots Derek West also has indicated that do to the unavailability of Ralphie to run around the field he has stated “If we can't get Ralphie...I will bring my dog to run behind me during the Player introduction!” The North teams roster is still largely a mystery other than the fact that they will have a gaggle of Lombardi’s and adopted Lombardi’s playing such as former Broncos Reggie Rivers and former CU QB Star Joel Klatt. Tuna South Side Roster along with scouting reports from Dave McCloughan Director of Personal for the Raiders and NFL player most resembles. The South Team will be sporting any type of dark throwback uniforms and should look wonderful. The plan is also to have an official 2011 Tuna Turkey Bowl for kids on the field opposite the big game as we have had in the past. Please bring all kids as they will be welcomed and all will have fun. Of course please make sure kids bring mouth guards as the Savage boys will be there. To quote director of College Scouting Dave McCloughan “If Matt Russell is playing. I’m Scouting, we are looking for aged, slow, cagy, drunk, intense, and harried players because we are looking for some depth at backer.” Here is the latest South Team Roster for the game: 1. Peter “Sports Center” Schaffer – the venerable captain of the south team. His quarterback skills parallel some of the greatest non-quarterbacks to play in the NFL such as Joe Kapp and Babe Parelli; his true strengths come from his vast collection of throwback jerseys actually game worn in the NFL and his ability to supply his team with receiver gloves. NFL Player most resembles – Billy Kilmer/ Fred Bilitnikoff. 2. Bill “the farmer in the“ Edell – this professional lacrosse star, assistant coach of the Outlaws and TGA regular made his Turkey Bowl debut in 2008 and is still feeling the aches and pains form his series of misfortunes. He looks to redeem himself this year. NFL Player most resembles – Jeremy Shockey 3. Mark “Action” Jackson – the most famous of the Three Amigos and the recipient of the catch from the drive in Cleveland and the Turkey bowl leader in all purpose yards makes his come back with a vengeance. He plays to win the game. NFL player most resembles – Mark Jackson 4. Derek “The Wild Wild” West – this Tuna original and former CU football star and high draft choice of the Indianapolis Colts (or are that the Colts when they made him a draft choice?) will bring stature, presence size, and beers to the Tuna line. NFL player most resembles – Derek West – Indianapolis Colts. 5. Chad “the Reptile” Brown – This multiple time NFL Pro Bowl linebacker and CU legend made his Tuna Turkey Bowl debut in 2008 and scored the games rookie of the year award. Sure he could wupp Tony Bosellis ass and Willie Roaf’s butt in the NFL but he had problems running around the large end of Reggie Rivers in 2008 and this year he vows to handle the vaunted Lombardi multiple option offense? NFL Player most resembles – Chad Brown 6. “Toe” Blake Anderson - The man who made the miracle of Michigan possible looks to make 20011 his redemption year after pulling up with a ham string injuries for the past three years. His major contribution to the game are his fabulous wearing of his old man’s CU throw back jersey for the 1960’s. The commissioners have ruled due to his lack of play time in 2008 – 2010 that 2010 still counts as his rookie season. NFL player most resembles – Teddy Ginn 7. Matt Russell “Crowe”– that’s right the gladiator himself in the flesh, Matt Russell of CU Fame, of Detroit Lions Fame, the winner of the prestigious Butkus Award as the best linebacker in all of the land while at CU and the current director of college scouting for your Denver Broncos will be making his third straight tuna turkey bowl appearance and will be “bringing Hell with him!” for the South Squad. NFL Star Most resembles – Greg Biekert. 8. Brett “Hull” Cullaton – this tuna hockey star who has played for the Canadian national hockey team and played over a decade of professional hockey makes his second tuna bowl. NFL Star Most resembles – Conrad Dobler 9. Mark “Tony” Randall – that’s right, the infamous Mark Randall from NBA/Kansas lore and Nuggets basketball. This former Cherry Creek High School and Chicago Bull first round pick/star has indicated that he will bring his decrypted body out for the second year in a row. The tallest of all Tunas he will be a force to reckon with or at least to watch. NFL Star Most resembles – Brad Miller 10. Denise Plante- the Emmy Award winning radio on-air personality from KOSI 101 and 9 News’ Colorado and Company has decided to grace us with her presence on the field. Her dedication and off the field candor for the Turkey Bowl has not gone unnoticed, and we will see if it translates to the field. NFL Star Most resembles- Lynn Swann 11. Scott Petersen- the PGA Tour Professional and CU Legend will be making a Turkey Bowl appearance as well. The 6 foot 3 inch pride of Williston, North Dakota will be hoping to stretch the field and test the North deep! NFL Star Most resembles- Randy Moss 12. Steve “Lyle” Govett – The General manager of the Colorado Mammoth, former Professional Lacrosse Star and Canadian Native is a Turkey bowl regular. He can goon it up with the best of them and will do so on Thanksgiving day. NFL Player most resembles – Garo Yepremium 13. Trevor Tierney – The current assistant lacrosse coach at the University of Denver, a US World lacrosse team member, first team all-American, professional lacrosse player and recognized as one of the greatest lacrosse goalies of all time will be making his turkey bowl debut. He can stop shots with the best of them but can he stop the “stop and go?” NFL Star Most resembles – Barry Sanders 14. Mike “Laser” Lansing – A major league baseball all star, a former red Sox , Rockies and Expos and a former option quarterback from his high school days makes his Tuna debut. NFL Star Most resembles – Turner Gill 15. Alfred Williams – The most recent edition to the College Football Hall of Fame, a Butkus award winner at CU and a multiple Pro Bowl selection of the Denver Broncos completes the South’s most impressive linebacking core. He will bring his spirit, his laughter and his sack ability to the game. NFL Star Most resembles – Alfred Williams 16. Lauren Landau “green” – The speed trainer to the stars and a tune golf veteran takes the field for his second time. He is legendary for teaching speed but can he run himself we shall see. NFL Player most resembles – Jack they call me the assassin Tatum. 17. Roger Wilson “and out” Hailing from Mississippi (Southern Miss - Golden Eagle).Qb the victorious 2006 edition of the South Squad in the Turkey Bowl. SR – a heady cagy veteran with great pocket presence, play calling and a deceptive arm. NFL Player most resembles – George Blanda 18. Geoff Bieging “or be late”– here is another Turkey bowl youngster, this former indoor lacrosse and TV star brings speed and hands to the game. He was the odds on favorite to win the Turkey Bowl Rookie of the year in 2008 but lost out to Chad Brown. NFL Player most resembles – Marvin Harrison 19. Other Possible South entries include the likes of; Brian Xanders, GM of the Broncos Lenny McGill former Falcon and director of college scouting - Broncos; Rickey Lewis from Lewis and Floorwax; Radio star Steve Kelly; Mike Klis of the Denver Post; Bob Hope Frank Sinatra Baraka Obama Sarah Palin John Elway Joe Sackic Toe Blake Joe Namath Reggie Dunlap Bobby jones Raquel Welch Mick Jagger Etc. We also wanted to point out a few differences between the Tuna Turkey Bowl and The NFL. In the NFL no tweeting allowed, in the Turkey Bowl “TB” tweeting is encouraged. In the NFL gambling is illegal in the TB gambling is mandatory. In the NFL the No Fun league no celebrations are permitted in the TB they are required after any play. In the NFL players are replaceable; in the TB the players make the game!! In the NFL the rules are written down, in the TB they are made up as we go. In the NFL kickers win games, in the TB there are no kickers!! In the NFL players must wear uniform uniforms in the TB players wear their favorite throwback jerseys and can sport any type of accessories to compliment their uniforms as they so decided. In the NFL drinking or endorsing any alcohol product is strictly prohibited, in the TB we serve beer before during and after the game!! And any one who can get a beer sponsor is really cool!! In the NFL players get paid lots of money to play; in the TB we play because we love the game!!! In the NFL they play 16 games in the TB we play one and for all of the marbles and al of the bragging rights!! In the NFL players wine when they don’t get the ball in the TB we “play to win the game!!” In the NFL players play for one reason and one reason only to gain the notoriety necessary so when they retire they get invited to play in the Turkey Bowl!!! The South Side Tunas will be coached as usual by legendary Coach, golf impresario and Tuna historian Lynn Watwood “you do if I sang out of tune” and Watwood will be ably assisted by “O” Harold Schaffer Dr. H.O Schaffer, MD, PHD, SEX, Senile, IOU. ETC. as his defensive coordinator If you need any refresher of the excitement, camaraderie, intensity, fun, sportsmanship, beer drinking and just play yuks please click on this link for the 2008 Altitude Spots Networks recap of the famous game. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dr2CR9LVec Beer will be provided of course by Beer official Tuna Concessionaire Paul Stern but please fell free to supplement the Tuna Yellow bag. And by way of recap who can forget the 2010 Turkey Bowl for its great action and great cause as it was a huge success as South upends North 11-10 The 2010 edition of the epic tradition of football and food, otherwise known as the Nike Tuna Turkey Bowl, proved to be a game of the ages. A well played game amongst Denver’s finest celebrities, in front of a standing room only crowd at the University of Denver’s Barton Lacrosse Stadium, on a Crisp pristine Colorado Thanksgiving day that raised money for a great cause and charity. Over $1,400 was raised by the sincere generosity of sponsors and fans for the Children’s Tumor Foundation, with more donations to come through Jammin’ 5280’s help with their internet broadcast and promotions. With concerns about the weather, the day turned out to be perfect for this gridiron battle. All of the sponsors were set up along the side of the field serving up breakfast (homemade cookies provided by Simple Sugar Bakery, bagels and coffee provided by Citrus clothing), massages and stretching (provided by Omni Chiropractic’s Nelson Vetanze and Allied Healthcare Services and Josh Vickers), sports drink were also aplenty thanks to H.A.R.D. Nutrition, and of course the keg of Hibernation Ale was in full use donated by the Great Divide Brewing Co. At 10 a.m. sharp the smell of Ben Gay and beer was in the air as the squads gathered together to begin the process of stretching aged and decrypted bones and muscles and to be motivated by lengthy pregame speeches. The South squad (left) was motivated by South Team captain, Jake Sensenbaugh. While the North Team just smoked Marlboro Reds and downed shots of Jaegermeister. After the pregame speeches, the traditional tossing of Mike Matthews ensued to determine which team he would play for and then of course was the traditional ceremonial throwing out of the first drunk and the North lost the toss and first drunk, Matthews was thrown out and wound up playing for the North. 1st Half The standing room only crowd in the Denver University’s Barton Lacrosse Stadium when kickoff took place witnessed a resurgent North offense in the first half. The North took offense first led by former CU quarterback (CU’s all time passing leader) Joel Klatt. Klatt led them to an easy first score (right) where it then seemed like the South defense was going to have a long day. Throughout the first half, Klatt was finding huge holes in the porous South defense, completing multiple passes to Vic and Mario Lombardi, Matt Ogden and rookie, Dave Bratten. The North defense, led by former Broncos stalwart, Reggie Rivers and Trainer to the Stars Lauren Landau, thwarted nearly every South drive. With the North leading the South 6-4 at halftime, it looked as though the North was heading for an easy win and revenge from the thorough demolishing they suffered in 2009. But as Lee Corso would say, “Not so fast my friend.” Halftime At halftime, all players and fans gathered round the end zone to watch the real competition and the dramatic conclusion of the annual Kids Turkey Bowl. There were a number of great performances led by veteran Turkey Bowler, Arum Brown, as well as from George Badaris, Zach Zatt, 2009 MVP, Bianca Urness, Dante Lombardi – Offensive MVP, Gavin Schaffer – Defensive MVP, and of course the talented and inspirational, Jake Sensenbaugh – Kids Turkey Bowl MVP. Pictured left, Gavin “Hakeem Nicks” Schaffer and Dante Lombardi draw up a key 3rd and long play for the winning touchdown. Two keys departures occurred at halftime: Joel Klatt of the North flaked out because his wife heard he was out playing ball and feared he would get another concussion. And Matt Russell of CU fame, left early because although he stated pregame that he was “coming and bringing hell with him,” he in fact brought hell and a stench of last night’s beer and left to work off his hangover. 2nd Half The South team started with the ball in the 2nd half and quickly scored a touchdown on the weak North defense making it 6-5. The North then took the field, without their stud QB Klatt, and quickly became flustered by the punishing South D. Save for two desperation bombs from the wounded arm of last year’s goat QB, Mario Lombardi, for touchdowns, the North’s offense was anemic in the 2nd half. The game soon resembled last year’s drubbing with the South proved to be heading to victory, led in the 2nd half by their confounding 4 quarterback rotational system consisting of veteran Roger Wilson(1 td), high school prodigy Brock Berglund (pictured right trying to patiently wait for KU and Chicago Bulls basketball legend, Mark Randall (19) to at least pass the line of scrimmage)(2 td’s), CU intramural MVP 8 times over - Mario Vetanze (5 td’s), and lowly intern and former Texas A&M QB Kevin Westerman (the author of this report and 3 td’s). The South defense was anchored by the LACROSSE rush consisting of lacrosse legends Trevor Tierney, General Manager of the Mammoth, Steve Govett, and former Pro laxer, Bill Edell. The most famous threesome since Super Bowl 1 and legendary max McGhee and the Double mint twins), pressuring, harassing and forcing the North into constant pressure situations and causing multiple turnovers were what these guys were all about yesterday. “I was scared for my life,” said North QB Mario Lombardi. (Maybe that’s why he left with a “groin” injury?), these guys never stopped! It was almost like they thought I was one of the Double mint twins and was wearing a bikini!!” For the South, Defensive Back Geoff Bieging was holding down the secondary, while Ex CU Great and multiple time NFL Pro Bowl Linebacker, Chad Brown was swarming the ball all over the field. For the North, former Bronco Reggie Rivers was causing havoc in the South’s backfield all day. Rivers was the Chuck Bednarik of the Turkey Bowl, relentlessly playing on both sides of the ball until he suffered a bruised female part and was slowed to a turtle like crawl. Chad Brown was “Mr. Do it All” in the game and in the South’s victory. Brown, the 2009 game MVP, tried in vain for the back to back award and played every snap of the ball whether it was as a safety, rusher, O-Lineman, receiver he was out there beasting everyone (even Reggie Rivers). Throughout the 2nd half, passes were flying from all 4 quarterbacks, with most of them making their landing in the hands of 9’3” Mark Randall. A huge target for the South, it took both Lombardi brothers, each of whom are shorter than 5’0”, to climb on each other shoulders to even have a shot at defending Randall. His lumbering stride was only secondary to his massive hands and even large appetite for the keg. A surprising display of athleticism was displayed by Offensive MVP, Peter “SportsCenter” Schaffer (pictured right #25). Catching 3 TDs along with 492 receiving yards, the North clearly did not game plan against Schaffer at all. (for the Record, even though this e mail comes from his e mail address he did not draft the same or have any part in the any of the post game award voting, even though it should be noted that the authors intern grade is solely in his hands and he did arrange for the free kegs of beer for the game.) Also, everyone was talking about the weird relationship between South QB Mario Vetanze and South WR Chris Blackmon. Vetanze wouldn’t even look at other receivers when Blackmon was in the game, solely focusing on his crisp route running abilities and fantastic running form. The pair did combine for many hooks up on the field and were seen spooning each other after the game in the corner of the end zone. A very uncomfortable picture for sure. The final conclusion is that they are clearly gay. Overall, the South finished the game with an 11-10 victory over the North, even though the South let the North have 9 downs on their last drive to try and tie the score. Joel Klatt (pictured left in grey with CU legends Blake Anderson and Chad Brown at the game) – out at halftime due to marital issues Blake Anderson (pictured left #5) – stellar performance in first half, and actually almost made it to halftime before shredding his hamstring. Awards Offensive MVP – Peter “All I do is score first downs and touchdowns” Schaffer - With 3 receiving TDs and one slow-motion 60 yard reception, Schaffer played out of his mind on both offense and defense Defensive MVP – Reggie Rivers – dominating force on the North defense. Actually, he was the only thing dominating on the North side all day. Defensive ROY – Trevor Tierney – lacrosse legend and sack monster Offensive ROY – KU and Chicago Bulls legend Mark Randall – unstoppable force in the red zone. Word is that Matt Russell raced back to tell Coach McDaniel about his find. Weakest muscles – Vic Lombardi – pulled every muscle in his body Failed to answer the bell – Derek West – was planning on playing all the way up until the time where he got arrested last night for stealing the chair at the bar with his name on it Lady Byng Award Greatest Sportsmanship - Jake Sensenbaugh (pictured right) – what an attitude on life, what a kid, thanks for coming and all of our best!!! Intern of the Year – Kevin Westerman – from getting kegs, food, throwing passes, all of the above!!! Best Throwback jersey – Mike Kenevan for his Shojn Podein Flyers jersey Weakest Throwback Jersey (left) – Vic Lombardi wearing some type of men's rec league basketball jersey. (From left: Blake Anderson, Joel Klatt, Matt Russell, and Peter Schaffer) Thanks again to all of our sponsors this year; we couldn’t have made this as much of a success as it was without all of you. Thank you to the Children’s Tumor Foundation for what you do for these kids and families in their time of need. See you next year for the 2011 edition of the Turkey Bowl’s infamous North vs. South rivalry! There is always room for more Tunas if you are still interested.